Monday, June 28, 2010

Here I go again

I entered Blogland a few years ago and failed in my attempts to remain there. In fact my life has a drawer that is full of things I have attempted to achieve or even begin but have not. Let me confess a sample of them to you: a blog for/about my first child, reflective journals, mentoring, pelvic floor exercises, recipe scrap books, photo albums, a patchwork quilt, keeping up with old friends, the gym, a vegetable garden, cognitive behavioural therapy, a savings account for first born, birthday letters to my nephew, and of course, weight loss.

I have recently become critically aware of these failings and often feel somewhat overwhelmed by them. I have heard myself say to people that I have no capacity for change anymore. I told my husband that if he was ever going to meet his neighbours and do great things in other people's lives then he probably already would have. How depressing am I? Once upon a time I was a passionate speech pathologist/ youth worker/ counsellor, excited about the potential to bring about change in people's lives. I was once a poet who always had one eye and part of my brain and life immersed in a novel.

Last week I came upon a friend's blog. I fell in love with it. I have been thinking about it a lot since and have been wondering why I like it so much. It is a beautifully written and presented treasure trove of things to do with kids, easy family recipes, photos and thoughts. So far this week the girls have had pink, purple and blue bathtimes, and we have eaten the best roast lemon chicken I have ever tasted. Tomorrow I am going to try and find glycerine in the supermarket to make home made bubble mixture. And she links to countless other blogs of similar such domestic geniuses. But this is not what got my heart a-beating. These home-hints are all things that you can access from all sides of the planet within an instant on any search engine. I'll tell you what I think has most inspired me about it. This blog captures someone's capacity to express who they are. This woman is creative, fun, loving, smart etc etc. But she has three kids and a busy husband and over time has felt herself slip away. Her blog is bringing her back.

And so I too want to start a blog. But even as I thought those words, a voice is telling me - yeah right. Put it straight into that drawer of failures. I fight back. I am going to blog about my attempts at change, to see if maybe there is still some capacity for it in my exhausting, full, beautiful, imperfect life. I call it Loose Change. It will be a place for me to share and explore my relationship with change. I'm going to hold myself to it very loosely because I don't think I can handle yet another failure. The irony would be too much.